The room didn't look like the one in the picture!?
That person moved out! Many of our rooms and apartments are furnished, but we do not include style in the rent. You are responsible for making your room/apartment/house look "legendary"
How long is it going to take you to answer my E-mail?
Yeah.... sorry about that. Sometimes I don't get to my E-mail for a day or two. Your best bet is to call me
Give me the lowdown on the lease.
I only do month-to-month leases. That means I need 30 days of notice when you intend to leave. Thats right, you can wipe that silly grin off your face. You can leave with only 30 days notice and take that dream job teaching English in Korea. But, you should also know that I have the right to get rid of you (eviction) or increase your rent with only 30 days notice. Both cases are very rare, but I like to have options.
Are you a slumlord?
The short answer is YES. You get what you pay for. I keep some nice places, but the majority of my houses have seen some rough times. We buy absolute dumps and fix them up over a period of years. The other problem is that Buffalo houses are old and need a ton of maintenance. Compounding the problem is the absolute ignorance of many of our tenants. I get phone calls everyday about things I would have never dreamed of asking my landlord to do; such as changing light bulbs, plunging a toilet, or switching on a breaker. But you can be rest assured I will never let you freeze to death in the winter, and I usually give a damn when I see a leaking pipe. But please, when you only pay $150 a month with all utilities included (yes... this does exist!), don't ask me to change a damn light bulb!
My roommate smokes in the house?
I'm probably on my way over to beat his ass. Please do not smoke in any of my buildings, especially if you have a roommate who is a non-smoker. You need to quit smoking anyway!
I know what I'm doing... can I fix it myself?
First, do you really know what you are doing? I really don't want to find another dead body this year. Else, go for it. I like tenants that are useful. Please call me before you start if you expect to get paid/reimbursed for your materials/efforts
On the topic of fixing, I don't like the color of the walls... can I paint?
NO! You suck at it! You are probably the worst painter I have ever or never met! Do not paint anything.... EVER!
But I really can paint!
Yeah... I doubt it! 83% of you "Painters" who have told me you were good have turned out to be terrible. Don't cry... I'm a terrible painter too. But I've come to terms with my condition and you can too. Admit you're a terrible painter and let the healing begin.
How about pets?
Well... call me first before you get any pet. Especially before you get a cat, dog, or flying squirrel. I mostly say "yes" to anything small that fits in a cage. Keep your pet selection within reason. What does that mean? Pretend you are a loandlord and you rent to rabid asylum escapees. Now, imagine you don't want your hardwood floors, white walls, air quality, and mailmen molested beyond recognition. Of course everyone's pet will be no trouble, because the tenants said so and they back up that promise without any good looks and/or increased security deposits. You will come to the conclusion that I really don't like pets because most tenants have a hard time taking car of themselves, let alone a pet. Here is a great sroy I heard from a fellow landlord:
Chuck is a smalltime landlord with big dreams. He bought a nice rental house and fixed it up. He even had the entire place carpeted with off-white carpet. Chuck rents to an older women with a dog. Chuck really dosen't want to, but the old women really loves this dog so he says OK. A week later, the dog, who apperently loves to bark at passing cars and pedestrians, breaks a stain glass window and slits its wrist on a shard of glass. The dog then runs around the house bleading everywhere and finally collapses in a pool of blood. By the time the old women returns home, the dog is dead. I bet you can guess what happens next! If you guessed the old women replaced the carpets and the window, then you don't live in New York. In fact, she started screaming at the landlord and called her lawyer. Poor Chuck, if only he made the smart choice and said no to dogs.
My Rottweiler-Pit-bull-Wolf-German-Shepard-Wienerdog mix is the highlight of my life, I can't move in without it!
Ok... First, I'm holding back the urge to tell you how stupid and ugly your mongrel is. Second, its as simple as this: My insurance will drop me like a rock if I allow that dog in. Got it?
Insurance, how does that work?
"If anything happens to anything you own becuase of anything, you are S.O.L.. You need to get renters' insurance to cover your stuff in case of fire, theft, flooding, rioting, ect. Read the last sentance over and over until you understand.
The house burns down... now what?
Again... you are SOL. Depending on whether you started the fire or not, I am obligated only to return your unused protion of rent and security. You have to find another place to live. So think twice before you flick that cigerette out the window. You need to stop smoking anyway!"
I'm dead... now what?
Well... did you give me 30 days notice? :::chuckle::: Seriously, you still have to give me 30 days notice even if you are dead. Next, have your family come get your stuff, You have 30 days. I don't want to sound mean, but your dead and I still have to run a business. Did you die in the house and leave a stink? You are obligated to clean that up too (By you, I mean your estate)
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